Overly Optomistic

[ArmStrong]

How do you deal with someone who is,what i call,overly optomistic?. I have a friend whom I have known for a few years and she has been a good friend,she has been there since my accident and has been supportive and encouraging and I appreciate that.Problem is she comes up with these suggestions of things she thinks will help with my arm like alternative therapies such as accupuncture and different massage techniques.I've tried the accupuncture, I do r.o.m. exercises on my own and whatever else I know of.I realize she is only trying to help and I have explained to her the nature of my injury,I have 2 avulsed nerves,and that what she is suggesting may help with the pain but as far as movement and regaining function,it's not that simple,well the discussion turns into an argument,she says I'm being closed minded and don't believe in miracles and I say she just doesn't get it.She ends up with her feelings hurt and I end up pissed off,I tell her she obviously doesn't understand the severity of this injury and frankly it makes me not want to talk to her at all.Believe me I have prayed for a miracle and I'm open to suggestions but I have to be realistic about what this injury is.I value our friendship but I'm not sure how to deal with this.

[jmar]

i have a person who did that to me. i told her that i appreciate her help and her friendship, but since it becomes an argument when the subject comes up, the topic is off limits for discussion from now on. i value your friendship too much to be fighting over any topic of disagreement. lets agree to disagree and leave it at that.

[Christopher]

Not an easy one. I've been there with a few friends over the years.

One way or another the reality sinks in and they stop living in fantasy land. It sucks, because we'd love nothing more than their fantasies to come true!

People get fooled because of some of the "miraculous" recoveries that happen in the Spinal Cord Injury (SCI) community. Someone who seems "completely" paralyzed might heal through "determined willpower", "prayer", or "magically healing". What the majority of the world doesn't know is that a survivor of a SCI only needs 10% of their cord intact to be able to ambulate (walk) again. So what seemed like a complete injury was actually an incomplete injury and they can slowly begin to recover only by going through rigorous physical therapy.

Unfortunately it is very common for people with SCI to be told to simply "believe more", or "try harder" etc etc.

Tell your friend to read this forum if she really cares and what I am writing here.

Tell her that all the alternative therapies in the world can not plug a lamp cord back into the electric socket again. The lamp is unplugged, and the plug is damaged, and so is the outlet. Researchers and scientists are trying very hard to learn how to solve this problem. If she really cares, then maybe she can help out with educated public awareness and fundraising for research that is focused at healing our injury.

If she has proof that an actual avulsed nerve injury has worked again, or relieved any real pain, send it my way and I'll be there in a New York minute!!!

Tell her she is awesome and wonderful for wanting your health to return, and that you would want nothing more either, but living in a fantasy doesn't help anyone deal with the reality of what you must accept to let the real healing begin.

It's got to be very hard for our loved ones to watch us go through what we do. They are so helpless in so many ways. The best thing anyone did for me, was to get me living my life again and engaging in what I love.

Best of Luck Armstrong!!!

It ain't easy, but its better than the oposite. Someone telling you that there is no hope and to just give up. Help her realize it's bigger than she thinks and that your grateful for her encouragement.

Chris

[djk]

i think in a way it's a love thing. people love you and it's their expression of that love in the way they think is appropriate. you kinda have to filter it and realize that it's coming from a very good intention even though you realize that it may be somewhat overboard based on what you know and understand. let's face it, you and the rest of us who actually have this injury sorta have a birds eye view or perspective that the ones around us do not and will not ever have. it's like in any situation in life you can experience her and she can experience you but neither one of you can experience what the other one is experiencing.
in my reality i call what you describe as false hope. hope is good. false hope is not. but getting those around you to understand your reality without hitting them on the head with a hammer is probably the best course of action. so it's a bit of pain on top of all the other pain but what i have learned in the last year is speaking on a personally level now even though i hurt like hell i have no desire to share that hurt. i want those around me who care about me and want to help me to feel like they are helping me alot. so filter it. i don't know if this made any sense at all but i hope it helps and good luck. oh yeah, and what chris said.

[ArmStrong]

Thanks for the advice guys,much appreciated!

[Dan]

When I read your post, I was thinking the same thing Chris said, have her read some of the TBPI forums and even this thread so she can get a better understanding of this injury. I love having optimistic people in my life, especially since I am a half full type of person myself, so I would work on getting her to help me move forward in life just the way you are now!

As a person of faith and knowing God can and does do miracles, I understand people's desire to pray for me and tell me if I just believed, I could be healed. I have had my injury for over 25 years, so I have had this conversation many times. The best way I have been able to help them understand and guide them to pray for me is to ask them how would they pray for me if my arm was amputated? Would they pray that my arm grew back or would they pray for something else?

I believe this is one of the hardest parts of this injury not only for us but for those in our lives who love us. We still have our arm attached and so we/they tend to only focus on the fact there is always the possibility that it will get better. So we wait for it to get better before we start moving on in life, I made the choice very early on to focus on living life to the fullest just the way I was. It not only helped me but it also helped those around me change the focus for how they interacted with me. So my hope and ultimatly my loved ones focus for me was to have a wonderful life and get joy out of every day. 25 years later and still loving life!

My best to you and your friend and as I have mentioned to you before, I live in LA too, so if you wanted to get together for coffee, just let me know and I would be happy to get together, heck, we might even be able to get Chris to join us!

Dan

[ArmStrong]

Thanks again guys for the advice,it was a great idea to let her read your posts and hear from folks who have been through/going through the same thing I am.She has a completely different attitude whenever the subject comes up and she is educating herself more about the injury and continues to offer her support.Aside from dealing with this injury and all of the issues that come with it,it has been a particularly hard year as my fathers health has continued to decline and trying to hold things together and be that support system for my mother has not been easy.This forum has been the one place I am able to go for refuge,thanks again for the advice,support and feedback and when/if things ease up bit,I just may take you up on that cup of coffee Dan.
Best wishes to all.

[jmar]

you are a very fortunate person to have a friend like this. hang on to her tight.